koiiz

they banned spacehey a while ago and ive had nowhere to write my ramblings, Its really a shame with this new child saftey regulations in the UK that it affected sites like that because as much as i love the idea of neocities, its much harder to build from the ground up and make look cool, this site has MUCH to change but thats fine. once i get a vpn ill add a page with all my old ramblings. anyway since then, I moved out and university started. im doing games art, kinda far behind rn but i will catch up I promise. I enjoy liking alone way more than I first anticipated, ive always been quite lazy but now that im alone it actually comes really naturally. The only thing i cannot stand is dealling with plates and foor waste, i can clean a toilet anyday but the bins are too much for me. I still love my boyfriend to bits, its the first time ive imagined a future with someone and I think ours is bright. spent so much time abroad with him this year and hes the best I moved in with my best friend ever, she the best (her bf 'moved in' too) Im so lucky to have met marie. I never had female be so similar to me, I love Ola to bits like a sister, we are diffrent but we get each other. me and marie are like very very close pararel lines, same person with diffrent intrests, its great. I turned 21, im from the uk so not much changed but i feel mentally older (and a lot more tired) had i started uni at 18 i probably would have partied way more but drinking in my bedroom once a week is enough for me. anyway I dont have much else to add (and watch me never update this again) so if you found my corner of the web I hope you liked my ds page (that took me too long(i hate coding))

Still alive, just suffering the painful uk government attemps to stop me jorkin my its. done alot since i was last here, been to germany to see all my friends again (4th time this year) I love my boyfriend more than ever, Im starting uni soon, cannot wait. and I got the drawing tablet of my dreams for my upcoming 21st bday, YIPPE! i had a really bad episond last night after finding out my mum is trying to ruin shit again. I think thats why I wanted to write today, Ive had a rough time my whole life but I learnt very young that Im not going to get the help I need so I just decided whats the point, be happy. and then all at once the last 21 years of pain and frustration will surface in a 10 minute meltdown every 6 months. Yesterday was one of those days. and i hate it, its sooo embarasing to wake up and talk to my grandma who I really frightened last night, she doesnt help, she makes it worse alot of the time but I dont blame her. her 2nd husband CTB so the whole topic is really hard for her i guess. she cried to me this morning saying I scared her but i cant help but think, does she not understand how i felt in that moment. she doesnt, no one does, and the embarasment of relapsing on SH at the age of 21. Grow the fuck up millie

i think i just had sleep paralysis for the first time at 20, I was trying to go to sleep because i woke up from a nightmare like 2 hours ago. super loud static in my left ear, deafening and super crunchy, i really wanted to close my eyes (because i was scared haha😬) and it lasted like 20 seconds. couldn’t move at all and the way i stopped was by really really trying to move my hands, it was like someone was holding them there and i needed to pull out of their grasp to move them, and once I did it stopped. the nightmare I had i cannot fully remember but I was possessed my a woman in bed and at one point was fully conscious while she was making me float (i know this was a dream because It took place at a different house, but after the experience i just had, if it took place in my bed i would be less convinced i was a dream) but during those 20s i was convinced she was holding me down and in the dark on my left where the static was. anyway that was horrific, it’s almost 6 am and im crying at 20 over a dream haha not pleasant, and i’m not going to try sleep again because i’m terrified.

i cannot believe in the span of two months i’m leaving this country again. people talk about how online friends turn you to a hermit, you are someone with ‘fake’ friends. and maybe on some ends of the internet that is a fact. people hide behind the screen, build this persona that they slowly forget is not the true them. these people won’t explore, won’t reach out, keep their real life private in fear you will unmask them. I feel fortunate to not have found these people. not that i haven’t encountered these people, but i’m so, almost scarily open it tends to frighten them off, if you are not willing to tell me your real name and sit in a video call im also just not interested in getting close. i want it to feel like we are sat in my living room having a little get together. which is impossible because ur all European. currently on the way to germany, just left home. it’s hard to imagine 6 months ago this is what i would be doing, spending my wage on airbnbs and plane tickets, but i cannot complain. i’m in new places, new people (who i hope stick around) and good company (vodka) i have ducky in my bag, he comes everywhere with me, super nervous for TSA, always an ar for some reason, what if i walked past a tweaker and a spec of his crack landed on my and i get arrested. anyway, no matter what happens this weekend it was worth it, I get to fly in a boeing 737!

i wrote this a year ago now when my cat tia passed away but i feel like is fitting to be shared here, i also just want to share her light with the few people who may stumble across this post I love you Tia Today my cat was put to sleep, she was 15 and she's been stuck by my side since I was 3. we were like sisters, she truly was my little fur baby. She was such a happy friendly cat, best temperament you could wish for. Always down to be cuddled, slept in my bed every night. I loved her so so much. About 6 months ago she began not eating and smelling bad and it started as a gum infection and something with her thyroid, we got medication but on our 3rd visit they told up that the best option was to be put to sleep. I already knew this was coming, she would not come in much, she was peeing inside, she could not eat at all, i knew this was the best option. But the whole time she was still so friendly and loving if you went to her. she would just sit in the sun like always, she would still meow and purr when you pet her, but she just looks so so weak. today she was purring until the end, she had so much love left in her, and i just feel like if taken her away from that, I can still see her sunbathing but i feel as if i’ve just shaded the sun. I decided i don’t want to bury her until tomorrow so she’s curled up on her cushion under her blanket, i need some more time to say goodbye, she just looks so peaceful, every time i stroke her i expect the little 'prrt' at her to look at me with so much love. I just want to hear the catflap, and her to sunbathe in the garden just a little longer. but i cant shake the feeling that i took that from her, i need her back sleeping under my quilt. or to run in my room and go straight to her scratching post. or when i'd get home she would great me from wherever and wait for me to unlock the door instead of opening the catflap. i could go on. there are places she would sit in my house all the time and now they just make me sob, i can just imagine her laying there I really have never felt pain like this before, i'm scared it will never leave me, but i'm also scared that it will. the thought that one day i won’t think about her, maybe weeks then months will go by where she doesn't cross my mind, and then she's truly gone. I never want that. just want her back I love you baby

i dont have the same litteracy skills as u frenchtoastmaker so this mihjht seem disjointed, ignore that. Manifestation is real and its evil i can tell you that much. I know the song is a joke but cuffing season is REAL. every time it starts to get cold outside i start thinking about alex which is the most annoying shit ever because as handsome and funny as this man is he is the so strange, there is so many bad habbits he has to grow out of. i know we all have our vices but he gets to me more than the average person, and i think its because i know him so deeply and know who he could be. Ola says i should tell him but i think he needs to figure out though someone else, not me who has known him since he was 4. I messaged him about a week ago about seeing him on a college advert and we had a short chat and then did not talk for the next week, i was a bit upset as he would usually ask to see me and that was my subtle attempt at reaching out. he was home for the weekend and i was sick so i couldnt of seen him anyway but i thouhg he would atleast ask. he didnt and that was that. I had a feeling after the summer he had cleaned his hands of me of me. oh well. and then i had a dream this weekend about him. i cannot remember what happend just that he was there, and i told my grandma, she said he will message me, as whenever she dreams about someone it means they did too, i really wonder if this is true, because yesterday he asked me to come stay this weekend. dreams are evil, i shouldnt but i will because i love him teeh ee. also the last arcane episodes are out this weekend so that will have to come first hehehehehehehehe